Some Thoughts

Gopala Pillai was Ammoomma's eldest brother and the Karanavar of the family. Gopalachettan ammavan was an advocate who never felt it necessary to go to the court or do any kind of work. Though their needs were very less both Ammavan and Pappachettan didn't find it necessary to contribute anything for the welfare of the family. So one could see them on their respective easy chairs all day and night. I don't know whether the women in the family tried to keep away from them out of respect, or fear. But I was very much afraid of them. As I grew older I felt they had an affection for all children, but they didn't know how to show it.
Gowrivalliamma was so helpless as she lost her eyesight. She needed help even to eat her food. Sometimes I would hold her plate while she had food, and help her to go to the bathroom. She was very silent and didn't trouble anyone. I had so much sympathy for her. Even now I can feel the touch of her wrinkled hands.
Ammoomma's two other brothers and one sister stayed with their family in other places where they were employed. Everyone used to visit the house some time or other, so the house was always filled with people. I got familiar with all my cousins too. There were always children playing, but I stayed aloof from them with my own reasons of insecurity. I would watch them playing. Ammoomma would compel me to go and play with them, but I knew I would be more safe with her.
The main thing that disturbed me in those days was my mother's attitude towards me. I would try to get some attention from her but she never cared. She always had an infant to look after. So from the day I can remember, I was a "Big Girl". She would never allow me to sleep with her on the cot, which hurt me a lot. Now I can understand the reasons but in those days I was too young to know all that. I felt my mother didn't love me. I tried to get her attention in many ways but nothing I did could please her. Instead I got more scolding than ever. Ammoomma would come to save me and she would ask her daughter to keep quiet. This brought me more closer to Ammoomma.